Open Letter to Robert, Man of Mystery

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Dear Robert,

You don't know me, but I know a little about you. You recently changed phone numbers, and your old phone number was assigned to me a few weeks ago when my employer gave me a cell phone to use.

I'd like to keep you up to date on the calls you’ve been getting.

So far, Americredit has called you four times. More accurately, they've called ME, and I've told them that this is no longer your number, and that I don't know you, and that I don't have your new number, and yes, I really mean it when I say I don't know you. All four callers have sworn they are sorry they bothered me and will remove this phone number from their records, but the first three who promised me didn't come through, so I'm looking forward to Call Number Five any day now.

On New Year's Eve I was out to eat with some friends, and I received a text message for you. I don't remember the actually wording but it was a friend of yours who wanted to wish you a happy new year and say they loved you. Blah blah blah something something something. Not sure who this person was, he or she didn't sign his or her name, but just know you're loved by someone who is unaware that your phone number now belongs to me. No, I didn't text them back, but I could have had some fun with them, couldn't I? Pretending to be you and maybe saying something mean or proposing marriage or confessing a crime spree on the East Coast. But I'm not that kind of person. And I don't want to make you upset with me in the unlikely event you're an axe murderer. (I hardly ever read about axe murders in the paper, but I'm sure they're still happening somewhere.)

Moving on: Please contact with your dentist's office. The nice lady called and asked for you, and was quite dismayed she couldn't reach you. She asked me if I had any advice for how to find you, since she was not able to think of anything to do. I was going to say she should Google you, but I was afraid she wouldn't know what that meant, and then I'd feel responsible for explaining it to her. So I said I didn't know. Fortunately, she realized she could call your Emergency Contact number and see if that person could give her your new number.

I hope you didn't list the person who texted you on New Year's Eve as your Emergency Contact. Because he or she is just going to turn around and text me again, and I don't have time for that.

And Robert? Call your mom. She hasn't tried to contact you on this phone yet, but I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.

Best Regards,

Don

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